A few days ago, 21 men arranged to meet in Billericay to celebrate the ’stag do’ of a friend. After some difficulties with venues we managed to settle on ‘Skirmish’ in Billericay. Personally, I’d never done it before and had been well excited all week. The stag had been a fellow colleague at work so a few of the lads were talking about it all week, counting the sleeps like excited kids. Even the occasional pretend paintball would get shot across the office at one another.

Finally, last Saturday, the day was finally upon us. Everyone made their way down for the day, starting at 9am and expected to finish at 4pm. At £37 each man had his way for the full days play, all the required equipment and overalls and 600 paintballs. Additional paintballs worked out at £6 for a hundred and less if you bought in bulk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, the last of our group arrived and we made our way into the complex.  As you walk in, the ‘marshalls’ condense you down into single file and write a number on your hand.  The number later turns out to be the number of the gun in the racks that will be yours for the day.  After being numbered, you make your way to an open counter where you are provided with your camo overalls, a battle pack (a velcro fastening thick belt that fastens round your waist and holds four tubes of paintballs), a protective camo balaclava and a goggle face mask.  These are all taken into what’s known as the ’safe zone’ which is made up of a meeting area in the middle and surrounded by picnic tables with shelters over them.  There’s a burger van in the corner selling bacon rolls, hotdogs, burgers, drinks and sweets.  The safe zone leads into the gun rack area which continues onto the game zones.

 

Once you’re given enough time to get ready, a marshall jumps on a picnic table and runs through what to expect, health and safety, what to do when shot, etc, etc.  This is entertainingly delivered and doesn’t bore you to death.

Your paintballs for the day are already stored in an allocated locker for your group.  The cannisters within your battlepack are supposed to hold a hundred paintballs each.  Our group loaded up with 2 each to start with for our first games.  With 21 of us we were able to become our own team, the reds, going up against another large group, the greens.  After waiting for the other teams to go through and collect their guns red and green teams were called up and we went to collect the paintball guns/markers.  Hundreds were numbered in the rack and were surprisingly heavy once you took hold of one.  You got used to the weight as we walked to the first area.  The Alamo.

Before most games a short brief is given to provide the objective of the game and The Alamo is no exception.  A flag is hung on a line in the middle of the inside of the alamo.  The attacking team are charged with retrieving the flag and taking it back to their base.  The defenders line the bottom and 1st floor windows and doors to fire upon the attackers to stop them from getting the flag.  I started on the bottom floor with some other foolhardy defenders.  If we were coming into contact with anyone we were getting shot at close range, and don’t I know it.  I was covering a window early in the game when a green come in the back door, snuck up behind me and shot me a few times in the side.  The pain was sharp and unexpected and the bruise four days later is now about 6 centimetres wide.  I was the third person out and had a fair wait till the game finished.  I’d also taken a shot straight in the eye (thank the lord for the goggles) but headshots don’t count.

In each game, you swap round and we became the attackers.  Approaching the building was intense as shots from all heights and sides came at you.  One of our faster, fitter players went steaming into the middle of the Alamo, shot four greens and stormed out screaming with the flag.  When shots are flying all around, the screams and shouts of men wearing full army camo and a goggle-eyed face mask, the fear can sometimes take hold and adrenaline can pump.  The thrill is incredible in these moments and intesifies your enjoyment of the games.

 

The next game was in ‘Chemical Valley’.  The teams start at each end of the forestry behind wooden barricades.  In the middle of the two teams are dozens of white barrels.  Among them are five fuel cannisters which need to be collected and returned behind the barricades.  Players fron other teams can go for barrels which have been retrieved to behind the opposition barricades but these are usually well defended.  We were given the advice of throwing the cannisters over our heads for the friendlies behind to collect and run back to base.  When the game kicked off, I headed forward and hid behind a tree.  A few of my comrades lined the tree’s around me as us and the greens exchanged shots.  As the numbers started to dwindle I moved forward behind the drums.  I tried to make myself as small as possible once I got to the drums as shots were spalttering all around me.  The dead zone (where players went once hit) was around 20 feet to my left.  Everytime poked round or over the drums a barrage of shots would fly towards me.  I was bogged down and with the 20 odd people in the dead zone I knew support was lacking.  I also had the problem of extremely fogged goggles and couldn’t make out anything more than 2 feet ahead of me when a cannister came flying over the top to my left from the drums.  I thought I would take my chance and run it home.  I broke cover and ran as fast as I could to the cannister, shots flying all around me.  As I neared I couldn’t see my footing as I hit a dip and took a tumble which proved quite hilarious for the dozens of players now occupying the dead zone.  I cheered too and jumped up to carry on as I grabbed the canister and ran it back to base.  I was too tired to move after this and ended the game still out of breath on the floor!

 

The next game was a bridge game in which each team started on either side.  The bridge was lined with barrels with one main one in the middle.  The objective was to tip the barrel over and roll it, while in continual contact, to the other side and enemy territory then stand it up.  The team with the barrel on their side at the end lost the game.  Before this game started I managed to over-hear a marshall advise players complaining of goggle fog to roll up some tissue and run it along your nose.  This parted the contact made by the goggles to your face and allowed air to circulate on the goggles and stop the misting.  Being able to see perfectly in the next game improved my performance somewhat.

As the game started I moved from cover to cover settling behind a mound of dirt.  A work colleague was next me me as we shot at enemies mounting bridge ahead of us.  We were a little far away but couldn’t get closer on account of the paint and smoke grenades being launched at us from the other side.  The enemy got to the middle of the bridge and began to roll the barrel to our side.  Me and my colleague peppered the green with paint to stop the advance juyst before the game ran out of time.

The thrills, the spills the dirt and the little bit of rain all contributed to one of the best days of all time.  The stags evening got messy as the drinks flowed but that’s another story.  If you’re looking for a wicked day out, a stag idea or to kill some time and burn some money, paintball is excellent fun for men and women.  And if you can, try and do it at Skirmish Paintball in Billericay, Essex.  Check out their site at www.billericaypaintball.co.uk

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Unfortunately, in my home, the television is ruled by my darling girlfriend.  Generally this isn’t a problem as I prefer to get on the computer anyway but sometimes I find myself in an unavoidable situation where I have to watch something I wouldn’t normally watch.

Within the list of these programs is the ever faithful Eastenders.  It’s not the worst program in the world for a bloke but that can all change when one particular actress gets some airtime.  Her real name is Melissa Suffield and she plays Lucy Beale.  I’m no acting guru and I really want to keep the floor open on this one and let people make up their own minds as to what they think of the quality and timing of Ian Beales troublesome daughter.

The following Youtube video clearly shows this actress in a demenading scene, requiring facial emotion and expert delivery of the lines.  I’ll leave it to you to see whether you think she’s punching above her weight.

 

In this scene, Lucy touches on the irksome subject of periods.  Does anyone else get the feeling that a deficated-on, decapitated, burnt rat could deliver the lines more convincingly?

Here’s another equally bland performance while preparing for a party.

Seriously though?  What are the Eastender bosses really thinking of by involving her in yet more demanding storylines?  In researching for this article, I asked a few people for their opinions and they seemed to be shared.  However, while digging through YouTube for some ‘examples’, I found several fan made videos (although these were usually a montage of pictures, no acting - hmmm…) which seem to indicate she does command some popularity.

Unfortunately, I can’t see things getting any better since she’s been in the soap for a few years and I’ve seen no improvement of note.  The amazing thing is, she replaced the original Lucy Beale who was played by Casey Anne Rothery, who I’m fairly sure would have out-acted her in any given scene (although I have never seen her act.)

Still, I’m not that bothered, I’m not going to complain to the BBC or the makers of Eastenders, I’ll just continue to watch, in amazement, at how easy it is to get an acting gig on prime time television.

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Rumors surrounding the existence of a Wii-type remote for the X-Box 360 have been circulating for the last few  months and until recently, any form of proof, pictoral evidence or official announcement have been wanting.  Follwing an announcement from unofficial games magazine, ‘XBox 360 World’ we feature pictures of the two remotes in development, codenamed ‘Newton’ and ‘Darwin’.

 

The ‘Darwin’ remote, currently in production…

Microsoft are reported to be partnering with a company called Motus who have previously been involved with Microsoft on the hugely popular ‘Links’, the rollerball golf game that could usually be found in most pubs across the country before the series died out and was replaced by PGA Tour Golf machines.  Reports speculate that the company has been in talks with Sony for development on a similar project.  Better get their skates on though as the Microsoft motion detectors are expected to be available before the end of 2008.  Expect a more official announcement at this years E3 in July.

The ‘Newton’ remote, expected by the end of 2008…

These Microsoft versions are expected to be more accurate and give a chance for Microsoft to reach out to the more casual gamer.  Microsoft domination could be upon us soon enough especially as preparations are already being made for a release of the next X-Box console in 2012.  Still, the battle continues to rage and neither Sony or Microsoft will be prepared to back down.

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